Every marriage or long term, intimate relationship will have its ups and downs. But if a down period becomes prolonged, it can lead to real problems within the relationship including; hurt, jealousy, anger, dishonesty (with yourself and your partner), unhappiness and frustration. In a down period it can feel like your needs are not being met: that you are not being heard nor appreciated. This frequently leads to withdrawing from your partner which can exascerbate the situation. Rows may intensify and sometimes it leads to one partner straying and having an affair.
If your marriage or relationship feels flat, is down in the dumps or it is at breaking point, it's not impossible to rekindle your love. You can get a twinkle back into your eye when you look at your loved one.
It takes some time, forgiveness and developing a new way of being—but you can do it! Working on your relationship together often makes it stronger too.
IF you ARE AT CRISIS POINT—this is how I can help YOU…
If you're at breaking point or have just discovered your husband/wife has had an affair, it's still not to late to save your relationship. This is how I can help you.
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Call or email me so we can arrange a call. If possible, I will talk to you both together (2 handsets of via a conference calling centre) to hear you both and then share with you what I see from the without the emotional charge that you are probably both feeling. If your partner doesn't wish to join in, I can still usually help. Call me on 01305 821799 or email me now.
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Consider coming on a couples retreat at The Jasmine House. Time out from your everyday life gives you the space to see things more objectively and begin to heal the hurts. A retreat allows you both time to see the bigger picture, forgive one another (yes, even if your partner had an affair, forgiveness is still needed. Forgiveness, by the way, is nothing to do with condoning your partner's behaviour).
If
your need is less urgent, please read the following which may help you understand why your relationship is struggling.
Do you feel you have fallen out of love with your partner?
When coaching someone struggling with their relationship, they often begin by telling me that they still love their partner, but they have fallen out of love with them. In truth, as Scott M Peck so eloquently writes in "The Road Less Traveled" we fall out of love very early on in a relationship. Being 'in love' is the heady experience that happens when we first meet someone we believe is going to play an important role in our lives. In the time period when you are falling in love, you are being and are showing up as the very best you can be. So is your partner. But being like that is unsustainable. Everyone is a mixture of light and dark: we all have at least a few bad habits, some irritating traits and self-centred behaviours.
A deeper level of love is when you are loving towards someone when they are not showing up at their best. Making a cup of tea for your 'other half' after you have just had a big row is symbolic of a greater depth of love than the giddy emotion or being' in love'.
Nurturing loving relationships
In order for a loving intimate relationship to blossom and grow, there are three vital ingredients: time for each other; honest communication; and comfort through physical intimacy. Of course there are other considerations too, but without these vital ingredients a relationship will flounder and nearly all couples who are struggling, have issues in one of these three areas. Briefly then:
TIME. Our 21st lifestyles are akin to living life on a gigantic hamster wheel. Frequently it feels like you have to run hard just to stay still. Most couples are juggling their lives with: jobs, money, household chores, school runs, playtime with children, helping aging parent and time with friends and other family members. Just getting everything into your waking hours can look like a logistics exercise! Trying to find "me" time and time for your husband/wife should be natural and easy: but often it's not.
And yet in amongst all of this busyness, time HAS to be found for your partner. You need time to talk – not just about organising stuff! You need to go on dates - yes, dates for married couples are really important. You need time to share dreams, to listen to each other and yes, to make love–not just having sex. Relationships need to be nurtured so they can blossom. This means giving time to your partner.
COMMUNICATION. When couples are tired, stressed or anxious, communication frequently breaks down. This sometimes shows up as withdrawal from one another and/or more frequent rows. Communicating your thoughts and feelings in an honourable way—even when you're cross with your partner—is really important to the well-being of your relationship. Being able to express yourself without being agressive, judgemental or dismissive is a skill I can teach you. See my page on Truth Talking.
PHYSICAL INTIMACY. Kissing, cuddling, hugging, snuggling, touching and making love is the glue that keeps two people together for the long-term. How often a couple make love is not symbollic of how much love there is between a couple; but some physcial initmacy is needed. We need to be touched, held and hugged. For most couples experiencing bliss from their sexual union brings the couple back together: not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually too.
Conflict between a couple can arise if one partner's libido is lower than the other. Often though sexual problems are not just about making love. Reasons like physical exhaustion are often valid, although sometimes physical withdrawal or refusal to make love is a way of controlling, denying or judging your partner. Whatever the area of struggle, I can help you sensitively talk through these issues.
How does couples coaching work?
If possible, the best approach is to coach you together. This can be done either with 2 handsets or via a conference call centre. I use FreeConferenceCall.com. If your partner does not wish to do this, I have still sucessfully coached one partner and the coaching flows through you to your partner, despite them not directly being involved with the process.
What next?
I offer a 55 minute trial Life Coaching session on the phone for £35. This is available for anyone who would like to see what it is like to be coached by me. Pay online or get in touch for other payment methods.
To find out more – it's OK just to have a chat – call me on 01869 821799 or on lo-call rate 0845 83 86 733 (free with some telephone providers) or email me
