Alex (name changed) was struggling to rebuild his relationship with his wife. He had had an affair. When his wife found out, reality hit home. He didn’t want to lose his wife and children. He loved them – just things weren’t going well. He had come to me for help in sorting it all out. We had been working together for several months. Intuitively, I felt I could help more if I could speak to Alex and his wife together.

“Alex, just out of curiosity, would you consider asking Karen join us? Working with you both might move things along faster.”

“No, Karen wouldn’t like that,” said Alex adamantly

So I dropped it. Alex was assuming that because he had had an affair, Karen would not be willing to work on their marriage, and that he had to find all of the answers. Yet after several sessions, from the outside looking in, there appeared to be mounting evidence to the contrary. In time, Karen and Alex finally began talking about the things that had caused Alex to stray. They found there had been a whole host of assumptions on both sides, which once cleared, enabled them to begin rebuilding their relationship.

We all make assumptions. If we had to ask everyone at every point for their thoughts, it would be far too time-consuming – and irritating! So we make assumptions based on our knowledge and history with that person. Of people we know, especially our spouses/partners, we frequently assume their current opinion is the one they gave us in the past. Sometimes this view is many years old, because it’s that long since we asked them about it! Everyone subtly changes their thoughts, ideas and views. Over time, what would have been a categorical “no” can easily become a “maybe” or even a “yes”.

These assumptions about our loved ones can result in tangled knots. Let me show you a little more how assumptions manifest themselves.

Filtering the information

We see far more than conscious mind is aware of. Likewise with our other senses. In order for us to make sense of our world, we filter the information taken in by our senses to prevent information overwhelm. This filtering means we choose what to notice and what to dismiss. To show my clients how this works I ask them to begin consciously noticing butterflies – even if it’s wintertime. Suddenly they see them everywhere: in TV adverts, on packaging, on cards and, of course, real ones in the garden (if it’s summer). As soon as you ask yourself to see something specific, you begin to see it all around you.

This filtering process effects how assumptions arise. In past interactions with people we noticed the way they behaved, responded or reacted and we subconsciously recorded it. When a similar situation arises, we assume they will therefore behave in the same way as before even if we see, hear a different response, our mind frequently filters this out and ignores it. The more established a relationship is, the more we tend to do this, hence the assumptions we make about partners/spouses or family members are far more prevalent than in less intimate relationships.

Different world views

When assessing any situation in our lives, we take into account known facts, (which, by the way, are surprising few if you really examine things) what we have filtered and then join the dots to make sense of the situation. Let me show you though this mini story.

Two guys leave their office to grab a sandwich for lunch. In the street, both witness a mugging. The first guy gets back and recounts the following to his colleagues. “I’ve just seen a mugging. A young man stole a woman’s handbag, in the process knocking her to the ground. No one stopped him. What is the world coming to when this happens in our street!” The second guy enters and says: “I’ve just seen a mugging. A woman was knocked to ground, but an elderly man stopped and helped her up. A mother called the police on her mobile and the shop owner brought out a stool for the woman to sit on whilst she regained her senses. Although it was a terrible thing, it shows me the world is a caring place.” Two views. Two different filters and two different assumptions. Neither one is more right than the other – although my own filters are inclined to support the second view!

How to begin assuming less

I have a technique I teach to my clients which I call “Stepping into Wonderland”. This is simply encouraging people to be more curious. An easy way to do this, is to phrase questions with: “I’m curious, what do you think about xyz” or “I was wondering how you feel/think about (or see/understand) xyz?” It can be really illuminating – both for the trivial and the more important strands of our lives. Two of my clients are allowing me to share their stories:

Jenny’s teenage daughter was driving her crazy. After taking a bath, her daughter would leave the water in the bath. Later Jenny would have to put her hand into the cold water to pull out the plug. Trivial. But oh so annoying! Jenny had told her daughter off many times for doing this – but her daughter still did it. Jenny didn’t know why she did, but she assumed there had to be reason for winding her up so much! Time for a different tactic. Instead of waiting for it to happen again and to tell her daughter off yet again, calmly, Jenny asked her daughter: “I’m curious: why after taking a bath do you leave the water in?” The unexpected answer was: “Do I?” Aghhh… teenagers! Happily though it was enough for Jenny’s daughter to realize what she was doing and, as she wasn’t being told off, she finally heard her Mum and modified her behaviour.

When Millie began coaching with me, she described work as feeling like she was a dolphin being circled by sharks. She had been with this company for 8 years and had been happy until recently moving to the projects department. Now she was so unhappy she was considering finding a new job, new career, even just leaving and doing what she really wanted to do – which was to travel around the world for several months. Millie was struggling though how to find a way to do this. If she left her job, and went travelling, the prospect of then finding a new job on her return, or to begin training left Millie feeling insecure and financially challenged as her savings were for her trip. Millie assumed that her company would not consider extra holiday leave. She also assumed they did not value her. I asked Millie what she had to lose by asking? So, Millie courageously asked: “I was wondering whether I might be able to have a 3 month sabbatical to go travelling?” To her surprise they agreed. Millie had the most amazing time roaming the world. Upon her return, Millie was transferred into a new department within the company and she is now once more enjoying her work.

Regarding your assumptions, if you are sure that someone thinks something in particular, I invite you to consider the exact opposite. For example, if your assumption is that your sister (or brother/mother/father) doesn’t care about you, then for a moment, examine the possibility that they do indeed care. Remember your filters? Know then that your subconscious records the actions that are in alignment with your belief. In this instance all of the times when your sister was uncaring. Now ask your mind to search for examples when the exact opposite was true. Despite being ‘sure’ the opposite could not be true, when I ask my clients to do this exercise, they can – albeit sometimes reluctantly – find evidence to the contrary. Sometimes then your assumptions are ‘flavoured’ by what role you wish this person to play in your life! What would it be like if the opposite of your assumptions turned out to be true? A great way of unraveling your assumptions is the use the self-inquiry technique known as The Work, which was developed by Byron Katie. See www.thework.com

Being curious, stepping into wonderland opens your eyes to so many things that you once thought were impossible to have do and be. What a shame if the only thing holing you back from wondrous opportunities in life is your assumptions! Are you ready let go of some of them? I hope so!

…and finally

I hope you have enjoyed this Tip. If you need some help via life or business coaching, or EFT, please email me jennie@reddandelion.co.uk or call me on 01305 821799 (or lo call rate: 0845 86 83 733) to find out more or to book a trial session with me.