We all carry around some emotional baggage—it’s part of being human that we have some! But sometimes we reach a point in our lives when the burden of carrying it all becomes too much to bear and then cracks begin to appear in our lives. It’s at this point that most people seek help via a doctor, counselor or therapist, but our lives would be so much easier if we didn’t have to get to breaking point before we did anything! So this month’s TIPS takes a look at emotional baggage, emotional healing and how Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) can easily and quickly release old emotions.

Understanding emotional baggage

In life we all experience moments of joy, bliss and times of deep, contented happiness. And we also experience times in our lives when we feel humiliation, despair, sadness, doubt, regret, shame, guilt, anger, jealousy and even rage. Our society tends to call the first group “good” emotions and the latter “bad”, but this isn’t helpful. Emotions are neither good nor bad: they are simply messengers carrying important information for our well-being. Anger is a classic example of a so-called “bad” emotions that people struggle to express in a healthy way. Yet anger itself is not bad: anger tells you someone has crossed your boundary. Anger brings with it a rush of energy which is required to restore a boundary. Because we are rarely taught how to deal with powerful emotions like anger, they get a bad rap, but actually it’s our handling of the emotion that is often flawed, not the emotion itself.

Instead of good and bad, I categorize emotions as light or heavy. Emotional baggage accumulates when you have too many of the heavy emotions stuck in your psyche. To see how our emotions are supposed to work in the body, lets look for a moment at joy. On days when life is good and there is a magical moment in the air, the light, champagne emotion of joy bubbles through our body. We express it in laughter and smiles. We open our hearts and share our feelings with those around us and in this way we release joy from our body. Joy is not squashed, squished, repressed, unshared or denied, whereas the heavy emotions often are and that’s how they become stuck.

To get an even better understanding of emotional responses, try this quick exercise. Remember a magical day when you experienced joy. Can you see it in your mind’s eye? As you ‘play’ this wonderful day in your mind, you will undoubted smile and feel good, but the actual champagne feeling of joy is not usually experienced: instead there is a memory of joy. Now flip the coin and contrast it with humiliation. Bring into your mind’s eye a time when someone humiliated you. Replay the event, watching it like a movie in your mind. OK, now check in with yourself. How do you feel? Are your cheeks burning? Do you feel indignant? Perhaps even cross or angry? Do you feel like your feathers have been ruffled? How do you feel towards the person you humiliated you? Do you think they were well out of line when he/she did that to you? Notice how you are not remembering the humiliation, but rather you are experiencing it once more and your body is probably reacting too: for example your cheeks going red, feeling unsettled or angry again. At the time of your humiliation you probably were not able to express, released or even fully understand this feeling and so it has remained in your body even if this event took place months, years or even decades ago.

Stored emotions

This exercise with humiliation brought the emotion(s) to the surface, but at a subconscious level this emotion (and the others in your emotional baggage) is influencing you at all times. It impacts on your health and well-being, directs your life choices, dictates what you do (or don’t do) and often plays havoc with your relationships too. If you are struggling with a burden of heavy emotions, then finding a healthy way to safely release them will make a huge change to your life.

When people come on a Personal Retreat at The Jasmine House, releasing these emotions is the cornerstone of the work we do together. I use a whole host of different techniques and tools to help people do this, but the technique that I use most frequently is EFT.

What is EFT?

Emotional Freedom Technique is a therapy that, as its name implies, frees people of their emotional burdens. EFT involves tapping on meridian points with your finger tips (meridians are energy channels in the body identified by the Chinese over 5,000 years ago and used in Acupuncture) whilst saying out loud the real truth about how you feel about your life, situations, events or relationships. The honest acknowledgement of saying how you really feel is, in itself, very freeing. For example, how often do you say, “I’m fine” to the question, “How are you?” when in reality an honest answer would be. “I feel awful”.

EFT is very simple to learn and to use and yet sometimes this can put people off because they mistakenly believe a simple process cannot be a powerful one—and yet it is. Our intrinsic belief is that positive changes to our health and well-being needs to be complex, take a lot of time and involve doctors or specialists. And of course sometimes it does: but likewise, sometimes it doesn’t. EFT is not a silver bullet that fixes all ills. However, if you release some of the heavy emotions from your body, you will literally feel lighter and this gives your body an opportunity to heal itself. Your body has the most amazing natural healing powers. It is designed to heal itself—notice when you cut yourself, instantly your body begins the healing process—but it struggles to heal itself when it is weighed down by layer upon layer of heavy emotions.

EFT Recipes

The process of tapping and saying out loud your feelings is known as a recipe. The founder of EFT, Gary Craig, created a universal recipe that could be used for everything on everyone. It’s called the Basic Recipe. Today there are many different recipes, but the key elements from this first recipe remain the same. Let me give you a brief run-through of what an EFT tapping process looks like.

It begins by identifying one of the emotions that is being felt about a particular situation in your life. For example someone who was not very happy at work might identify that they are frustrated by the way their boss is treating them. The next step is to mark the intensity of this emotion, in this case frustration, out of 10 whereby 10 is a maximum intensity and 1 is very little. I’ve often had people tell me it’s more than 10 out of 10!

EFT begins by tapping continually on the Karate Chop point whilst saying:

“Even though I feel …insert emotion… about …insert subject…, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.”

In my example it would therefore become: “Even though I feel frustrated by the way my boss is treating me, I deeply and completely accept and love myself.” This is repeated three times.

The tapping, with 2 or 3 fingers, then moves to meridian points on the face and upper body. The emotion and the situation are repeated and mixed up during this process. In this example, whilst tapping on the eyebrow point, the words might be: “This frustration with my boss”. Moving on to the next point, side of the eyes, the words could be: “My boss is so frustrating!”. After saying each statement, you move on to the next meridian point and begin tapping there. The sequence of tapping points is; karate chop, eyebrow, side of eye, under eye, under nose, chin, collarbone, underarm and top of head.

The tapping goes around this circuit 2, 3 or 4 times, depending on what exactly is being worked on. It begins always with an expression of all the negative aspects and the final round(s) are changed to, releasing, choosing and affirming the positive. In this example, the words could become: “I release this frustration from my body” and “I choose to speak to my boss about my frustration” and so on.

When you work with an EFT practitioner, they will notice changes in your vocal tone and body posture as certain words and phrases are said. The practitioner will then mix these words back into the tapping recipe.

After a lot of rounds of EFT, when stacks of heavy emotions have been released, I believe the best ending is to get the client to see the ridiculous side to their situation—for often there is a funny side to what has happened or the muddle that they have managed to get themselves into. Laughter has such amazing healing properties!

Can you do EFT yourself?

Yes—for many situations with a little more understanding than is covered in this article, you can learn to tap on yourself and effectively let go of some of your emotional baggage. After helping my clients heal with EFT, I teach and actively encourage them to tap. However, I do not think it is advisable to begin tapping by yourself on issues where you are metaphorically opening an emotional can of worms: like when dealing with abuse, trauma, grief or depression. In these cases please find an experienced EFT practitioner.

For those of you who live in or around London, I highly recommend my friend Penny Waite who is an EFT Master. And of course, if you choose to come on retreat, at The Jasmine House, EFT may well be used as part of your healing too.

To see a wonderful demonstration of EFT in action, see Nick Ortner’s video

…and finally

I hope you have enjoyed this article on EFT and emotional healing. I love hearing from you, so if you feel inspired to comment or share some feedback, please do write to me and share your thoughts. And of course, if you need a helping hand (coaching, mentoring, healing, nudge and/or an almighty big push!) then I would be delighted to help you. Please follow these links to find out more: Telephone Life Coaching, Small Business Coaching, Business Review Days, One-to-One Personal Retreats at The Jasmine House

Have you had a conversation with yourself recently? One whereby two different voices where speaking inside of you—probably expressing very different views? I’m sure you have! And, no, it doesn’t mean that you’re mad! We all have voices inside our heads, an inner dialogue, which is expressed by different parts of our psyche. It’s perfectly normal, but when one or more of our voices dominates our inner conversations, they can hinder self development, so today Tips will delve into this subject to help you understand and master your own inner dialogue.

What is the purpose of our inner voices?

Your psyche (that is your conscious and subconscious mind) has many different selves, each with a distinct voice—but the self we choose to project to the world has the strongest say in voicing thoughts and feelings. Some of our selves are mature and well-rounded whilst others remain like little children within us. Each of the different selves has a role to play in our psyche—each in their different way essential for our survival.

We are happy to identify with the self and voice that plays the biggest role in our lives. For example someone with a self-assured, confident psyche might easily step into a leadership role but then feel very uncomfortable at expressing or even acknowledging their vulnerable side. Whilst another whose natural nature is to care for others may find it incredibly hard to receive care from someone else.

Identifying your different voices

You are unique and so it’s impossible to identify you with a simple list of voices to describe all of your different selves. However, our inner voices have known archetypes and whilst the following list is not complete, I am sure you will identify with one or two of the voices. Likewise there will be those you naturally shy away from due to fear, shame or embarrassment. Read through the list and circle those which resonate as being your strong voice. Now look read it again and this time identify the voices you feel uncomfortable accepting as part of you. I have arranged the different voices in pairs which frequently are the flip-side of each other.

The important thing to realize is that your psyche is composed of ALL of these voices (and more) and they ALL have a role to play. To heal and find inner peace is to see all sides of who you are and then consciously choose to heal the wounded and disowned voices. If you are (currently!) disbelieving, then let me give you a couple of examples of voices not usually owned by people doing this exercise. The Vulnerable Child voice usually comes up in moments when we need reassurance. This voice is not critical, rational, or driving. As the name suggests our barriers are down and yet this is exactly what is needed to let someone into our intimate circle so we can connect to others in times of distress. Our fear is that if we let our barriers down, then we will be hurt again and we will never be strong. Paradoxically it is often being vulnerable and allowing others to care for us that helps us regain our strength. When we consciously suppress this voice then to the outside world we may look strong, but inside our unexpressed vulnerability can lead to isolation and loneliness.

The Critical voice often expresses discontent about the actions and behaviours of others, but this voice also acts as a motivator to the self to strive to do better and to have high standards both in yourself and for others.

Light and shadow

“We live in an archetypal universe that functions on countless polarities, such as male and female, day and night, left and right brain, right and wrong, good and evil. The root of all fear is precisely this polarity” a quote by Caroline Myss’s in her book Defy Gravity: Healing Beyond the Bounds of Reason.

I like Caroline’s summing up which can also be applied to different selves that make up the whole of who we are. I also love the symbolic representation of this with the Yin and Yang symbol. Our inner dialogue is spoken at different times by different voices. You now know with which ones ‘speak’ the most often and those from which you hide. To become more at peace with who you are, you need to see and access all the different parts of your psyche, as well as seeing it in others too.

Last week Michelle had a coaching session with me that is a good example of conflicting voices and so with her kind permission, I will share part of her session with you as I’m sure it will resonate with many of you.

Michelle felt ruffled and out of sorts because of what was going on at work with a colleague. She thought it was unfair: “There are 2 rules” she said, “one for me and another for him.” Michelle works hard and often puts in long hours. She cares passionately about her work and strives to be the best she can be, whilst her colleague’s standard of work is not particularly high. “He gets away with it” she said. Her colleague always arrives punctually at 9:30 in the morning and leaves on the dot of 5:30 pm. He had recently stopped talking to her and was currently ‘blanking’ her too. This is where we began.

I asked Michelle if his poor standards impinged on her work? No. Did he hold her up in some way? No. Did he do the same work as she did? At this point there was a pause as Michelle thought this through. On reflection no, he was not getting the interesting juicy bits of work, nor was he being included in team work. Michelle shared with me that she had expressed her concerns about his work to her boss who confirmed she was aware of the situation. And yet Michelle still felt the situation was unfair.

I am sure you can see that the mindset in this situation was being lead by the Critical voice—and possibly influenced by the Rule Maker too.

Michelle knew that her feelings weren’t logical, but they were real none-the-less. So, we took a different tack. I explained the ideas behind the shadow self and explained how the people who push our buttons are often our greatest teacher because they are doing or have something that we are disowning. I then asked Michelle what her colleague was teaching her? What did she admire about him? This was shocking to Michelle as she certainly didn’t see her colleague in this light!

However, the surprising answer for Michelle was she realized she admired his time management. She was beginning to see that it wasn’t really anything to do with different treatment at work, but rather that her colleague didn’t start the day early nor leave late. Because Michelle did both, she felt it was unfair to her own personal life. Without now laying blame and criticism at her colleague’s door she is now free to decide what she wants to do with her own time keeping at work and to possibly claim back some of her own time.

As a little aside, we worked out that by working 1 hour more each day than she was paid for, she was giving her company more than 6 days a year of her time for free!

Mastering your inner dialogue

When next you have a voice inside of you clamouring to be heard, return to the list and see if you can identify which voice is turned up loud. Now ask this voice questions about why it is so loud. For example if your Pleaser voice is fixated with thinking up ways to please someone, flip the coin and ask what would it be like if you used some straight talking? Ask also why this voice feels such a big need to please someone else? Is it because something inside of you is not good enough?

If your Rational voice is prominent, ask it what it fears about listening to your Intuitive Guide. Often this fear is related to getting it wrong or being humiliated. And yet often our joyful opportunities in life are frequently guided by our intuition. Joy doesn’t usually come bound-up in logical rationale!

I hope this article will trigger thoughts about who you are at a deeper level. Remember to be kind to yourself and remember you are a multifaceted, multidimensional human being. Exploring this deeper side of who you are takes time, patience and love.

I’ll leave you with Mike Dooley’s affirmation from his Notes from the Universe: “Thoughts become things… choose the good ones”. My take on this to consider the voice speaking your thoughts too!

…and finally

I hope you have enjoyed this article. I love hearing from you, so if you feel inspired to comment or share some feedback, please do write to me and share your thoughts on this topic. And of course, if you need a helping hand (coaching, mentoring, healing, nudge and/or an almighty big push!) then I would be delighted to help you. Please follow these links to find out more: Telephone Life Coaching, Holistic Business Coaching, Business Review Days, One-to-One Personal Retreats at The Jasmine House.

When I was young, my Dad used to say: “There’s no such word as can’t“. This inevitably would be his response when I moaned and said; “I can’t do it!” Dad’s response was frustrating, because he simply would not accept my version of what I thought I could not do. And so I would go away and try again–or find another way. Once I cheekily tried to counter Dad’s view by explaining ‘can’t’ was simply a contraction of the words ‘can not’. Dad was not amused and he stood firm with his view. Today I see it as a beautiful gift that he gave to my sisters and me because as a result we are all ‘can-do’ people, believing firmly that there are many ways to achieve something, even when early attempts fail. And so today’s tip is to give you ideas of how to get around the stuff you think you can’t do.

Is it fear that’s holding you back?

When you say to someone (or to yourself) that you ‘can’t’ do something: is it a true statement? Or is it really a fear that’s holding you back? It’s not cool to admit that you are afraid of something and so we have become incredibly adept at ways of not facing our fears, even when it stops us from doing the things we would really love to do. Think for a moment of things you feel you can’t do: like a get new job/promotion, or find a new love, save money, live within a budget, move house, lose weight, stop smoking, or… what exactly is it for you? Notice how easily it is to give yourself a rational reason for NOT doing any of the above. Like, we’re in a recession: jobs aren’t easy to come by. Ditto for the reasons why you can’t move house. Or I’m addicted to nicotine. Or I’ve never been very good at managing money, etc, etc.

Your rationale definitely has a point—but it’s just one point: it’s not the entire picture. Just now jobs are not two a penny: the house market is sluggish: nicotine is addictive: breaking old habits is not always easy and so on. But is it true that NO-ONE gets a new job, or moves, or loses weight, or stops smoking? No. But the fear of making these changes can stop you even trying. Making these changes often means changing who you are. Becoming this new person is often at the core of such a fear.

An excellent way to begin banishing your fear is to write about it. For example, your thought processes might look like this: “If I am promoted that means I need to manage more responsibility. I’m scared I’m not good enough: that I might fail” After writing about your fears, counter it with: “How will I feel if I don’t go for this promotion? What is the worst that can happen if I get the promotion?” You will be amazed how powerful this exercise can be as it gets you look at the real issue, not mask you are using.

Do you (perhaps subconsciously) blame others?

When you say I can’t do something, do you add a ‘because’? For example: “I can’t be promoted, because my boss is so mean and unsupportive?” Or, “I can’t do it because I don’t have (money/qualifications/time) to do it”. Or, “I can’t lose weight: (because) I’ve tried every diet”. These statements don’t always appear to be blaming (like the last example), but they are. This common narrative is really saying that it’s the boss’s/lack of money/diet’s fault, not yours. As soon as you take this stance, you are stuck. So, if you discover that you are blaming others for your “I can’t…” then it is time to step into your own responsibility and choose to see that no matter how much others might not be aiding you, it’s your choice to let them stand in your way, or find a solution that CAN work for you. See one of my old Tips, No More Blaming, for more on this. Wayne Dyer expressed this beautifully as: “All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you”.

The power of negative thinking

Most people have come across the phrase ‘positive thinking’ understanding that thinking positively can help you move forward in life—and this is true! What most people are unaware of is how damaging negative thinking is. If you are constantly saying, “I can’t do this”, then your subconscious accepts this as fact. It does sobecause the subconscious mind does not work rationally, analytically or chronologically, rather it is influenced by what I call ‘weight of evidence’ and then acts accordingly. So if your self talk contains lots of: “I can do…” this adds weight to your subconscious processing. If however your self talk is repeatedly, “I can’t do…” then likewise your subconscious will be influenced in a negative way.

Your subconscious mind processes 20,000,000 environmental stimuli per second via the nervous system whereas the conscious mind processes only 40 pieces of information in the same second (Bruce Lipton: The Biology of Belief pg 136). The more you can influence your subconscious the easier it becomes to change your world. So, catch yourself when you say to yourself, or to others, about what you can’t do and change it to “I can…”

Just for a moment, imagine that you CAN do it…

If waved my magic wand over you and suddenly all of your “I can’t do it “ dissolved away and you found you COULD do all that you wanted, what would that FEEL like? Visualizing and feeling the positive outcome of your desire is another great way of getting your subconscious to help you. Again because the subconscious works primarily with imagery, symbolism and connections that are not bogged down with the rational reasons, this can add to the weight of evidence your subconscious needs to help create the stepping stones to your goal.

Creating a Vision Board is a fun way to remind yourself of what you wish to create in your life. To do this, take a large sheet of thin card. Then cut out photos from magazines or print images from your computer of people, situations, or material objects you aspire to be like, to do, or to have. Create a collage of the images. Add positive words to your image. Now take your artwork—vision board—and place it somewhere you will see it everyday: for example beside your bathroom mirror, or inside your wardrobe door, or on your fridge. Every time you look it, the more comfortable your subconscious become with the idea that this is something you can do/be or have and the possibilities of how to make this happen begin to open up for you. To see how I used this and other techniques, please see how I made my dream come true in buying The Jasmine House.

What CAN you do?

When facing an “I can’t do it” scenario, it’s often because want you want to do (be or have) feels insurmountable because, in your eyes, it’s so large. So, what CAN you do? When I first had my dream of owning The Jasmine Centre (now House), I wasn’t even living in the area, nor did I believe I had enough money to buy such a place, but the dream was very strong, so I knew I had to take a step towards it. And so in 2005, I bought the domain name, thejasminecentre.com—4 years before I bought the house. When I moved down to Weymouth in 2006, I drove around the surrounding villages looking at places where The Jasmine House might be located. When I saw the house for the first time, in 2007, I stuck the property details on my fridge door, for even though I still believed I could not afford it, I trusted that my subconscious would eventually show me a way—and it did, with the generous help of my 4 business angels, Jeannette, Hilary, Denise and Helen.

And no, the methods I’m suggesting don’t always work—at least not in the way I thought they would! However, they do enough times for me to continue to use and benefit from them in my own life. I believe that when your heart, soul and mind are fully aligned it always works. And if nothing happens when I tried all of the above, then just as when I was younger and faced my Dad’s “There’s no such word as can’t”, I go away and find another solution, or a different way and trust that ultimately the Universe knows better than I do in terms of what is right for me and when. I hope you too will be inspired to do the same.

…and finally

There is a man called Nick Vujicic who was born with no arms and only what he calls a chicken drumstick of one leg. And yet he lives life to the full and with radiant joy. When you are feeling like you can’t do something, watch this You Tube video and I know you will be inspired too.

I love hearing from you, so if you feel inspired, do write to me and share your thoughts with me. And of course, if you need a helpinghand (coaching, mentoring, healing, nudge and/or an almighty big push!) then I would be delighted to help you. Please see the following pages:  Telephone Life Coaching •  One-to-one Personal Retreats •  Holistic Business Coaching • Business Review Days to read more about how I can help you.

Your perspective of the world is unique to you. It’s your interpretation of information gathered through your senses of sight, sound, smell, taste and touch which are woven together to form a picture that is then tinted and shaded by your society, culture, education, family beliefs, the media as well as your individual ‘evidence’ gained throughout your life. As a result even a twin will perceive his or her world in many different ways from their sibling, despite having a virtually identical up bringing.

Our perceptions give us many different views of the world that we live in. For example, some say, “We are all doomed”. These words come from those whose perspective is coloured by the Euro-zone crisis, changes in our climate, population explosion, unrest in the Arab world and a global power shift from the USA to China. Their ‘gathered’ information reads that we are headed for catastrophe. And yet there are many people who gather the same information and say, “We are stepping into a new age of enlightenment”. They perceive the turmoil and rapid changes we’re currently experiencing as a necessary part of the transformation bringing in a new era where we will live in very different ways from now.

Wildly different perceptions in this case, which is, to me, a good thing. Different views, ideas and thoughts of what is going on allows for us to find deeper levels of understanding. It flings open the doors to creativity and gives rise to the possibility of new ways of being. So, do you need to change your perspective of the world?

I cannot answer that: but you can. However, before I explore this with you, let me show you something. This is a Mercator Projection map – first drawn in the 16th Century. It’s still widely used today as it helps sailors navigate using straight-line plotting. Now look at the map more closely and guess how big is Greenland compared to Africa? It looks pretty big in comparison, doesn’t it?

OK, now look at the next map below. This one is the Robinson Projection map, which was created in 1961 and used by National Geographic from 1988—98. Notice Greenland now looks quite a lot smaller.
Finally, look at this last map, again focusing on Greenland (shown on the map in white).

This last image is a Gall-Peters Projection map. In this map, landmass of all countries is accurate, although the shape of some countries is slightly distorted. Africa is 14 times bigger than Greenland: 11.6 million to 0.8 million square miles. Yet, on the Mercator Projection map, Greenland looks as if it might be one-third of the size of Africa.

Although I could talk about how these maps may influence our perception of big and small different countries/continents are, the real reason for showing you this was to show how familiarity (the Mercator Projection map is still widely used) can influence your perception to the point you no longer question whether or not it is correct. If your perspective is swayed by less than the full story, this can hinder your desire to change.

No one can live a life whereby you check everything for truth: it’s simply not possible. In this way some of our perceptions are based on assumptions of what we think we know. And what we assume may not be correct. Most of the time the combination of our perspective and our assumptions create a good coping mechanism in life. But not always. If you find yourself stuck, feel negative or fearful or begin to believe that the world is conspiring against you, then a change in perspective will help you move forward.

Is then your perception hindering you?

Consider an area of your life that is not working as well as it could. Look at your love life, work, family relationships, self-esteem, self-image, community and friendships. Are they all rosy and blossoming? If one or more areas of your life leave you feeling deflated, frustrated, vulnerable, sad or hurt, then please take a look at these 5 steps to see if changing your perspective will help.

Is victim hood clouding your perspective?

This is a tough question to answer. Most people rebel at the very idea of being a victim in their everyday life, yet most of us employ this tactic from time-to-time. It shows up in minor ways like blaming the parking attendant who issued a ticket we believed we did not deserve. But also in a more serious way where we (usually without full realization) allow someone in our life to abuse and take advantage of us. I’m not talking here about random attacks nor in child abuse: that is different. What I’m asking here is to look at this within your relationships. In these situations the ‘victim’ usually perceives it is not their fault: it is the other person’s fault. To look at yourself with love and see your shadow side – the parts of yourself that you don’t wish to acknowledge or own, takes great courage. When you do this however, you begin to see your own role in these situations, of both tolerating and allowing the person to treat you in a disrespectful and/or harming way. This is the first step of changing your perspective. To read more about how to do this, see an earlier Tip I wrote: “Step into your own power“.

Seeing the other person’s point of view

There is a Native American saying that goes like this: “Before I pass judgment on a man, let me walk a mile in his moccasins”. When a boss, family member, friend, spouse or partner is getting under our skin, we often assume what they are doing comes from a malicious place. We also often take these things personally. However, more often than not we are not aware of what is really going on for them in their lives because we see things only from our point of view. The following exercise may seem a little daft, but it is actually very powerful. Sit at a table where there is an empty chair on the opposite side. Imagine sitting in that chair is the person who is causing you grief. Now speak (out loud) to this person. Tell them all of the things you wish to say. When you can say no more on the subject, pause for a moment. Now get up and go and sit in the empty chair. Your role now is to imagine you are the person you were speaking to and you now have to answer all that was laid out by you, but this time as if you were the other person. Although it feels strange to do this alone, physically swapping places with yourself allows you to switch perspective, which reveals so much more about what is really going on. Also see my Tip on Assumptions.

The truth of the matter…

Just as Greenland turned out to be smaller than we thought (because a globe can not be accurately printed on a flat surface), perhaps your perspective is coloured by a partial truth? If you are stuck and going nowhere fast, perhaps it is time to check the facts? Is the information you have ‘gathered’ correct?

Flipping the coin over

I find this tactic incredibly useful to help people see things differently. For example if someone is convinced their boss is mean, I ask them to list the times they have noticed their boss has been kind. Initially people insist there isn’t an ounce of kindness in their boss! But after some prodding, they nearly always can find an instance. Once one instance has been found, so can others. As a viewpoint is expanded, different elements arise that may explain why he/she is being mean, and it may have nothing to do with them personally.

Be curious: it may not be what you think

In Truth Talking, I often encourage people to step into what I term Wonderland. What I mean by this is to talk calmly to the person with whom you feel out of sorts, and after acknowledging their stance, and telling them how you feel, then ask: “I was wondering what/how/if ……specify the issue…… we can do this differently?” It is amazing how this tactic can bring up new solutions borne again from seeing things differently.

…and finally

I hope you have enjoyed this article on perspectives. As always, I love hearing from you. Of course, if I can help you through coaching or healing I would be delighted to do so. I offer 55-minute trial coaching sessions on the phone. This allows you to see whether coaching is for you and if I am the right coach for you. Please see www.reddandelion.co.uk/life_coaching.php and www.reddandelion.co.uk/business_coaching.php to read more about how I can help you.

Discerning what is real and what-is-not is increasingly difficult as imaginary and reality blur around the edges. Take for example our media. In magazines and papers, photos that have not been edited, are few and far between. Virtually all celeb photos have been air-brushed, de-blemished and often ever-so-slightly slimmed down. Photos of events or products are cropped to emphasise the story they are telling. Body doubles are sometimes used in intimate, naked scenes in films. And currently TV ads for mascara are truly bizarre. Enter woman with impossibly thick and long eyelashes. For a nanosecond, small print flashes on the screen: “Model wears false eyelashes and image contains post production”. It’s too fast and too small for most of us to read. Yet we know if we buy this mascara, we won’t look like the model on TV because even if we buy false eyelashes, we can’t PhotoShop ourselves! As for TV car ads, well, if I drove my car in pouring rain or created clouds of dust by cornering too fast on a sandy road, my car would not be immaculately clean when I stopped and stepped out of it, but magically it spotless when driven like this in the ads!

In computer games or with TV interaction devices like the Wii, you create an Avatar. In some sophisticated online games, you not only create an animated version of yourself, you also give it characteristics and a cultural identity which may or may not be similar to your own. With an avatar you can play at being someone you’re not: or perhaps the person you really want to be—and are not.

Even if you dismiss this as clever marketing and adult games and you feel certain that you can see between the lines, are you showing up as the real you in your world? Are you brave enough to show the world your true self? Do you reveal the inner ‘you’ that has amazing dreams and ideas? Or admit your fears and vulnerability? Society norms, the media and our culture paint a picture that is often not real, and yet we still feel the need to conform. To fit in, we wear a mask to hide away the parts we don’t wish for others to see. This Tip takes a look at masks and how to be the real you in an increasingly unreal world.

What exactly is a mask?

I’m not talking about fancy-dress masks – although there is a connection. When we don a fancy-dress mask we are pretending to be someone else. When we wear our masks in everyday life, we are also being someone we are not. Our mask is the face of the person we show to the outside world. It is our protective armour. And so often it is a far cry from who we know ourselves to be on the inside.

Why do we do wear masks?

Mostly it’s because we’re scared. Our parents, teachers, culture, society and the media provide us with a narrow band of ‘acceptable’ ways of being. When we feel who we are on the inside – this less-than-perfect self – doesn’t match-up to this ideal, we believe we need to conform. We put on a mask to be the person we think we should be. Showing-up in the world with all of our flaws on show is a terrifying thought. We believe that if we came out as our true self we may no longer be liked, loved, or well-thought-of, or in some cases, feel safe. The idea of losing these precious things is what keeps our masks firmly in place.

Let me give you a few examples. Divorcees asked why they are looking for a new partner, will give a whole host of reasons, but it takes a very brave person to say that they feel lonely which is the truth for most singletons. A sales rep rarely tells his or her boss that they are fearful of missing their targets because what of what it will do to their standard of living. And some people let others steal their limelight because they are afraid of the consequences of standing up for what is rightfully theirs.

How much does wearing a mask cost you?

The energy in keeping up the charade is huge. We have to be ever mindful of what is on show to the world – woe betide anyone who dares to show they are not the ideal person they are portraying! Yet, we can’t keep up this pretence all of the time. It’s just too draining. When we take off our mask to the people we trust, they may accept us for who we are, or recoil on seeing the truth. If they recoil, it’s often a reaction that stems from their own mask. They are not able (or perhaps ready) to take off their own mask. Instinctively we know this, so taking off your mask is a risk because rejection is not something that most people are comfortable with.

There is another cost to wearing our masks. If we conform to the way we think should be, our natural diversity is stifled. Our creativity and wonderful different solutions to life stay hidden behind our masks. This cost is one I feel is the biggest shame. How amazing it would to live in a world where diversity, flaws, creativity, strength and vulnerability were not only accepted, but truly welcomed for it would change our world.

Taking off your mask

In my work people often come to me because they can no longer portray this false identity they have created. In particular people often get themselves into tangled knots in relationships because they are trying so hard to be someone they are not. Often people see what they are portraying, but they often don’t know how to let go of the illusion.

For most people taking off their mask is not easy–in fact it’s often really scary. But when you weigh up how much it’s costing you, wouldn’t it be great not to have worry about being this alter ego and instead just be you? All that is wonderful. Even the stuff that is not so good feels better when it’s out in the open, because if you wish, you can now choose to change it.

So how do you begin? First of all know you don’t have to go from fully masked, to totally demasked you in one fell swoop. Taking off your mask layer-by-layer is more manageable–for both you and for the people close to you.

Know too that far more of the real you is on show than you think. Consider this. When you look at the people in your life, do you see their masks? Do you see the gap between what they are telling you about themselves and what you instinctively know about them? I’m sure you do. They see your gaps too.

Many years ago, as a new single mum with 2 young children and an absent father, I started a graphic design business. I also found time to be on the PTA and I was a swimming coach to at the local swimming club. My house was always clean and the garden well-kept. Back then I worked hard at keeping every hair in place, because I didn’t know how else to cope. I had what I now call “Super Woman Mask” firmly clamped on. I used this mask to keep going: to get through what was a tough time for me. Several people saw and shared with me that they saw my stress and sadness. Interestingly though it was people on the fringes of my life who told me this. If these people saw it, for sure people closer to me saw it too. Know you can fool people closer to you: and equally when you don’t it’s harder them to tell you what they can see because they don’t wish to hurt you. My own journey of de-masking is still a work in progress, but these days I know I show up if not totally demasked, then far more the real me than ever before, and that makes my life simpler and more joyous. If you are in a place where your mask is slowly killing the real you, then I really want to help you get to a better place too.

Stages to becoming the real you

Stage one is awareness. Start being aware of when you are not being yourself – what is the mask you are wearing? What fear is stopping you being your real self? The loss of a relationship, job, money or security? Give this mask a name. How often do you wear it? Are there times when it’s OK to not wear it? If you have moments when you don’t wear it, what does that feel like?

The awareness stage can take from minutes to years. Being aware and being ready to take action rarely occur at the same time. But for any change to take place you have to be aware of what is no longer desirable: you have to see and know what it is you want to change.

Stage two is what I call the New Years Resolution Stage. I’ve given it this name because like so many resolutions, they don’t succeed. No!! I’m not saying you won’t succeed!! Rather it’s REALLY important to understand that when you attempt to be the real you with friends, family and colleagues it may, initially, go pear-shaped. This is NOT failing: rather it’s learning how to get it right. Typically it takes 3–5 attempts to consistently do things in a new way.

Remember to be kind to yourself. Showing up without your old mask on will feel alien. It is so much easier to revert back to your old ways. Please don’t beat yourself up if you do: we are all creatures of habit and very few people are truly comfortable with change. Putting your old mask on will undoubtedly happen, so when it does, simply acknowledge it. Forgive yourself and then have another bash at living your life without it. Perseverance is the key to getting through to stage three.

Stage three is joyous because you begin to see the benefits of being more real. You’ll begin to see how much easier life is without having to pretend to be someone that you’re not. Know that you can still slip back when you get to stage three – but you’re less likely to do so, because there is growing evidence of the new and better way for you to lean on.

Stage four is called being unconsciously competent: the transformation is complete. This new way of being is akin to driving your car. You don’t consciously think about all of the things you do, it’s automatic. It’s now the way you behave and show up in the world. You have successfully let go of your old mask and the real you is now showing up more and more easily and naturally without conscious thought.

If I were to end this tip on a mischievous note, I would add that when you get to stage four, it’s time to go back to stage one! For like an onion we have many layers (masks) and what we thought was the end point is often just the beginning. Please don’t be disheartened though – every layer of your mask that you remove takes you closer to a simpler, more harmonious, happier life – and I want that for all of you reading this.

…and finally

I hope you have enjoyed this article on Revealing your true self. As always, I love hearing from you. Of course, if I can help you through coaching or healing I would be delighted to do so. I offer 55-minute trial coaching sessions on the phone for £35. This allows you to see whether coaching is for you and if I am the right coach for you.
Please see the following pages:  Telephone Life Coaching •  One-to-one Personal Retreats •  Holistic Business Coaching • Business Review Days to read more about how I can help you.

I love sweet things. Is there anything yummier than sticky toffee pudding with custard on a cold winter’s day? Or a cool, sweet ice-cream when it’s hot? Or perhaps, peculiarly for me, Liquorice Allsorts on Christmas morning? But as much I really love sweet things, I tend to keep foods with added sugars to a minimum these days. Why would I choose to do such a thing when I love sweet foods so much? I know it sounds crazy (and possibly boring!), but over the last few years I have learnt that eating sugary foods (and unknowingly eating sugar in a myriad of guises in processed foods) impacts dramatically on my weight, my moods, my sleep and my inner peace. When I cut added sugar out of my diet completely, I feel so much better—really better—which is why these days sweetness in my diet is mostly from naturally sweet fruits and vegetables, maple syrup, the occasional square of dark chocolate and not from foods with sugar added to it.

It doesn’t come easily: I am addicted to sugar. I hate to admit it, but I am. Over the last 3 weeks whilst on holiday I have had more sweet treats than usual, and today, my first ‘no-added sugar’ day after my holiday is tough. I am really craving something sweet. It will take up to a week for this desire to subside. Aghhh!! I’m not selling this idea very well, am I?!! But please read on…

I suspect that most of you are just as addicted to sugar as I am. And I’m guessing that most of you will not want to do what I’m doing with my diet. So… why am I writing this Tip? Because none-the-less I hope it may inspire some of you to try cutting added sugar out of your diet. Or at least make you think about how much sugar you consume and that you may begin making some changes to your diet too.

What is the big deal about sugar?

Sugar is loved for the sweetness it adds to food, but nutritionally all it offers to the body is instant energy. Do you also know about the damaging cycle that sugar can have on your body? It goes something like this. You are stressed-out and/or tired and you find yourself craving sweet foods like chocolate, confectionary, biscuits, cereals, toast, cakes etc to give you a boost. After eating sugar-loaded foods your body indeed gets an immediate boost of energy. But the body can’t cope with a sudden excess of sugar in the blood stream, so insulin is released from the pancreas to mop it up and transport it from your blood to your cells. This increase of insulin in your blood makes your blood sugar level drop, making you feel sluggish once more, making you crave yet more sugary foods. And so a cycle is formed—and it can be hard to break it.

Many mouthwatering snacks with a high sugar content (especially when combined with fats) trigger dopamine pathways in your brain to light-up in a very similar way that other recreational drugs and alcohol do. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter connected to the brain’s complex system of motivation and reward. When your blood sugar rises, another neurotransmitter also comes into play: this time serotonin, which makes you feel happier and less anxious. In other words sugar is working far more like a drug rather than nourishing the body as foods do.

This is an extract from “Spent: End exhaustion and feel great again” by Dr Frank Lipman: “My take on sugars may seem a little extreme to you, but my opinion is informed by more than a quarter of a century of clinical experience with people who are Spent [exhausted]. As I see it, sugar is a socially acceptable, legal recreational drug. Like other recreational drugs, sugar can lead to mood highs and lows. And like other drugs, sugar can destroy your health over time.” In “Lick the Sugar Habit” by Nancy Appleton she states that sugar also has these not so sweet side effects:

• Sugar can suppress the immune system
• Sugar feeds cancer cells and has been linked to breast, ovarian, prostate and rectal cancer.
• Sugar can weaken eyesight and cause premature skin aging.
• Sugar can cause premature aging in general and increase your risk of Alzheimer’s disease.
• Sugar can cause autoimmune disease, arthritis, asthma, heart disease, migraines and multiple sclerosis.

Are you eating sugar—unknowingly?

When my youngest daughter, Tabs, was a toddler, she was allergic to eggs and many food colourings and preservatives. As a consequence I had to read the labels of tinned and packaged food before buying them to make sure it was safe for her to eat. It was a time-consuming process, but none-the-less an education. I discovered that most packaged food contains all manner of ingredients that are not found in your kitchen cupboards.

As well colourings and preservatives there are many different thickeners and stabilizers (typically starches and gums) and many other chemicals that I have no idea what they do. Then there is sugar, which is added in alarming amounts to virtually all processed foods. If food labels simply stated, sugar, it might help people see what they are eating more clearly, but they don’t. The food industry uses sugar from a whole host of different sources and it is not uncommon to find many different sugars in one processed food. All of these listed below are a form of sugar:

One of the biggest intakes of sugar in our diet is from eating breakfast cereals. Not only does the cereal have added sugars, but the processing of the wheat, corn and rice, which makes up the bulk of any breakfast cereal, has been processed to the point that nutritionally they are largely a form of sugar too.

For example, Kelloggs All Bran has both sugar and glucose-fructose syrup added to it. The bran itself having gone through processing system has now a higher sugar content than it’s natural state. So much so that in a 40g serving with 125ml milk there is 13g of sugar.

Kelloggs Special K is advertised as a breakfast cereal that can help you lose weight, but if you read the nutritional information you will find a 30g serving with 125ml milk contains 11g of sugar. In other words slightly over one-third of your bowl of cereal is sugar! Their advertising makes me laugh because the nutritional value of their Cornflakes, in the same proportions, has 8g sugar—that is 3 grams less than Special K! Yet Special K is regarded as a more up-market brand (just more expensive advertising?) and so 500g packet today costs £2.99 as opposed to £1.99 for Cornflakes with very little difference in nutritional content. Please note I am NOT recommending either as a healthy option: just pointing out how advertising influences our choices which don’t necessarily give you the full picture about what you are eating.

So, in breakfast cereals you would expect to find sugar, but what about savoury foods? Would you expect it in: Sainsbury’s Broccoli and Stilton Soup, or Tesco’s Light Choices Beef Lasagna, or Walkers Worcester Sauce Crisps, or Asda’s Chicken & Vegetable Bake, or Bernard Matthews Turkey Ham… sugar is in all of these foods. These are NOT exceptions. The proportion of processed food which has sugar added to it, is staggering. It’s added to sweeten the product, to bulk it up (it’s much cheaper to add sugar to products than to use other more nutritious ingredients), to prolong the food’s shelf life and to mask the bitterness that has resulted from the food processing process. Start reading the labels of foods you buy and you will be amazed how much and how often sugar is added.

The misnomer of “Low Fat” foods for health

With so many people struggling with their weight and the spiraling NHS health costs associated with obesity, we are repeatedly encouraged to eat healthier diets. One of the key messages has been to reduce the amounts of fat you eat. Recently there has been a revision to qualify which fats we should cut out, for example Omega 3 is now widely promoted as a healthy fat, but by-and-large most people still believe foods labeled “Low Fat” are better for you than their regular counterparts. But is this so? Let me take Hellmanns Mayonnaise as an example (again Hellmanns Mayonnaises are not an exception however, they have 3 versions which makes looking at what happens when a food becomes is transformed into a “Low Fat” version easier to see).

Hellmanns Real Mayonnaise: Vegetable Oil (77%), Water, Pasteurized Egg & Egg Yolk (8%), Spirit Vinegar, Salt, Sugar, Lemon Juice, Mustard Flavouring, Antioxidant (Calcium Disodium EDTA), Paprika Extract.

Hellmanns Light Mayonnaise: Water, Vegetable Oil (28%), Modified Maize Starch, Pasteurized Egg & Egg Yolk (4.2%), Spirit Vinegar, Salt, Sugar, Cream, Lemon Juice, Mustard Flavouring, Preservative (Potassium Sorbate), Stabilizers (Guar Gum, Xanthan Gum), Mustard, Antioxidant (Calcium Disodium EDTA), Paprika Extract.

Hellmanns Extra Light Mayonnaise: Water, Modified Maize Starch, Spirit Vinegar, Pasteurized Free Range Egg & Egg Yolk (3.7%), Sugar, Salt, Vegetable Oil, Glucose-Fructose Syrup, Citrus Fibres, Flavourings (Contain Lactose, Stabiliser (Xanthan Gum), Colours (Titanium Dioxide, Beta-Carotene), Preservative (Potassium Sorbate), Lemon Juice Concentrate, Antioxidant (Calcium Disodium EDTA).

Notice that as the fat is decreased, sugar and starch and gums and other chemicals are increased.

In the “Real” mayonnaise, apart Calcium Disodium (a preservative) more or less it contains recognisable ingredients that we would use if we made mayonnaise at home. Nutritionally, it has 1.3g of sugar per 100g and is made from 11 different ingredients.

Now look at the “Light” version, and you can see modified maize starch (which is quickly digested and acts like a sugar) has been added, plus another preservative plus 2 gums to thicken and stabilize it. There are now 17 ingredients and it has 2.2g of sugar per 100g.

Finally, the “Extra Light” also has modified maize starch. Sugar is now listed before the salt (i.e. there is more sugar than salt in this version) and another sugar, Glucose-Fructose Syrup, has been added. There are 17 ingredients and it has 4.8g of sugar per 100g. The calorific difference between the 3 mayonnaises is huge: 100g of Real, Light and Extra Light provides 722, 297 and 73 Kcals respectively. If you choose foods based on calorific value only, then you likely to choose Extra Light, but is it really a good choice? One heaped teaspoon or Extra Light (10g) has only 7Kcals whereas the Real version has 72Kcals. But the latter has higher protein and vegetable oils, which can take the body a longer time to digest (i.e. some of the calories it provides are used up in the digestive process). It also has Omega 3 & 6. When food stays in the stomach for a long time, you feel full for longer. The Extra Light has very little vegetable oil, less protein and much higher sugar content, meaning it will be digested far more rapidly. Mayonnaise alone is unlikely to massively impact how satiated you feel after a meal because it’s not the main part of your meal, BUT if all of your food choices are for the low fat versions you will get hungrier sooner which may well lead you to eating more and can lead to increased weight gain instead of loss.

Again, what we perceive to be good for us—the low fat versions—are not necessarily so, but in case you think I’ve over-egged this example (sorry, couldn’t resist the pun!) just look what goes in to one of the “Go-Ahead” bars. Again, I didn’t spend hours researching this to find a good example: it was the first Low Fat sweet product that came into my mind. Tesco’s website helpfully provided the information. Bold ingredients are sugars.

Go Ahead Raspberry Slice: Wheat Flour, Fruit Filling (36%) [Sultanas, Currants, Glucose-Fructose Syrup, Sugar, Dextrose Monohydrate, Humectant (Glycerine), Raspberry Concentrate, Wheat Bran, Gelling Agent (Pectin), Citric Acid, Malic Acid, Rice Flour, Acidity Regulators (Sodium Citrate, Calcium Citrate), Natural Flavourings], Sugar, Vegetable Oil, Glazing Agent [Glucose Syrup, Dried Skimmed Milk, Modified Potato Starch], Maltodextrin, Whey Solids, Natural Flavourings, Dextrose Monohydrate, Salt, Raising Agents (Disodium Diphosphate, Sodium Bicarbonate, Ammonium Bicarbonate).

I find it strange to find sugar in savoury foods that are not supposed to be sweet, but I also find it odd to find potato in so many sweet foods such as this Go Ahead Slice. Potato starch is widely used because it is fairly neutral in taste (so it can be easily masked) it adds bulk with relatively low calorific content, it’s a cheap product and it helps bind the mixture together. Not yummy at all!

How to tackle reducing sugar intake

If you wish to see how sugar is impacting on your health and well being (energy, moods and sleep) the only way to really test this is to completely eliminate added sugar from your diet for 5—6 weeks and see how differently you feel.* Having done this myself, it is challenging, but I did it and I was amazed how differently I felt. After a period of abstinence, it is much easier to either keep to this, or see that sugary foods are the occasional treat rather than a daily part of your diet.

Of course, you may just wish to reduce your hidden sugars, in which case begin by taking the time to read what is in the processed foods you buy and make conscious, informed decisions as to which foods you want to eat. These are my tips to help you go added-sugar free:

• Drink lots of water
• Read ALL labels on packaged, tinned and processed foods! Know it will mean that your diet will be mostly natural and unprocessed foods, but there are some good exceptions
• As you take added sugars from your diet, you need to replace it with lots of nourishing foods. This is not about starving or depriving yourself: it’s about actively choosing nourishing foods that can also be yummy
• Know that you may get some withdrawal symptoms (grouchy, crabby, headaches and craving) in the first week. To help with this, Dr Frank Lipman author of Spent recommends taking 1,000 milligrams of glutamine* (not with meals) every 4 to 6 hours. This is a benign amino-acid supplement that tricks the body into thinking it is getting glucose and so lowers sugar cravings. I found taking this supplement really helped me when I first did this. By the way, Dr Lipman’s recipes for breakfast smoothies in Spent are truly delicious and a great way to start your day

• When you really need some sweetness, try adding just a little maple syrup or raw honey (i.e. honeycomb or raw honey straight from the hive, NOT the honey you buy in the supermarkets). Maple syrup is fructose based which is far less sweet and takes the body much longer to digest than sucrose so doesn’t give your body the blood-sugar roller-coaster effect that sugar-containing sucrose does.  

* Please take responsibility for your own health. I am not medically qualified to offer advice about supplements and/or any changes to your diet. Any changes MUST be done in accordance to your own medical and well-being needs. If in ANY doubt, please consult your doctor or medically qualified professional.

…and finally

I hope you have enjoyed this article on sugar. As always, I love hearing from you. Of course, if I can help you through coaching or healing I would be delighted to do so. I offer 55-minute trial coaching sessions on the phone. This allows you to see whether coaching is for you and if I am the right coach for you. Please see www.reddandelion.co.uk/life_coaching.php and www.reddandelion.co.uk/business_coaching.php to read more about how I can help you.

I have been intuitive all of my life, even though I didn’t realize it until I was almost 40!! Up until then I thought my intuitive messages were simply lucky breaks or just part of my quirky personality that sometimes sees things differently. There were times however, when people were surprised by what I had said and asked me; “How did you know that?” and I usually laughed it off, because I had no idea how I knew: other than I did. Sometimes it didn’t make logical sense either, but I often trusted it to be right, and mostly it was. In my 40s, through healing, exploring, studying and during my training to become a Life Coach, I began to understand my intuitive messages and develop them more fully. Now I can’t imagine what it would be like to live without it as my guide—and it’s an incredibly useful tool in my line of work.

Some of you may be thinking, “Well, that’s all very good Jennie, but I’m not intuitive.” Let me stop you right there, and say, “Yes, you are!” All young children naturally use intuition. Before language is fully developed, children step easily between reality and imaginary worlds. Just look how involved they become in fairy stories! And so for them sensing, seeing, feeling and hearing things that aren’t perhaps part of our logical, physical world is not unnatural to them. However, our educational system is firmly attached to the intellect and physical world and so children learn to trust only what can be proved and reasoned. BUT your intuition never leaves you. Even if it’s a very quiet voice in the background of your life—you can turn-up the volume once more and let it enrich your life.

Mystical or Natural Ability?

Intuition has a mystical aspect to it, but mostly it gives you little nuggets of information in very practical ways. Let me give you some examples of intuitive messages that you may have dismissed as something else:

• Driving home you suddenly decide to take a different route. Later you hear there was a lengthy traffic jam on your ‘normal’ route. Was this just chance or good luck?

• You suddenly think about an old friend you’ve not seen for ages, and then later that day, you bump into them, or they telephone you. Is this just co-incidence? 

• You are about to do something and a nagging inner voice says: “No, don’t do it!” But you do it anyway, and then everything goes badly wrong. Is this just bad luck?

• You visit a town you’ve never been to before, yet it ‘feels’ like you know it already. You convince yourself you must have seen it in a film or have read about it.

• A stranger suddenly makes you feel anxious. You hurry away then later laugh at yourself for being so silly and dismiss the anxiety as nothing to be concerned with.

Even if none of these resonate with you, I’m willing to bet there have been times in your life when you have done something that didn’t quite make sense (logically) but you did it because it ‘felt’ right. This is your intuition. So lets look at this in more detail.

What is intuition?

Intuition conveys messages and a ‘knowing’ to you. You become aware of these messages without conscious thought or rationale of how you ‘know’ this information. It’s an inner wisdom as opposed to information that has been ‘processed’ with your thinking mind. In other words you didn’t read it, watch it nor were you told it. Intuition is an innate ability. It’s true that some people are naturally more intuitive: but everyone has this ability and everyone can develop further if they wish to do so.

How does your intuition ‘talk’ to you?

Intuition ‘talks’ to you in many different ways. Usually the message is a combination of subtle changes in your body, energy and sensing. However, to make it easier to show you how it usually appears, I am separating it into 5 different intuitive channels. Please remember you will usually experience your intuition in more than just one way even for the same message.

Changes in your body: I have found most people have experienced their intuition in this way. The word ‘experienced’ in this instance is literal. Your body senses something at an energetic level and it responds with a reaction that can be strongly felt in the body. These are some examples:

• Your body changes it’s temperature making you feel cold, shivery, hot or flushed.
• Your legs feel heavy and/or your feet feel rooted to the spot.
• Your stomach begins to churn or it becomes knotted.
• Your heart beats faster, or it feels like it is heavier than usual.
• Your hands begin to tremble, tingle or become sweaty.
• Your sense of smell or taste is heightened.

Of course there may be other reasons why you are experiencing these symptoms in your body, but when these are not related to health issues, this is your intuition talking to you. Often these messages are warnings: be extra vigilant, take care, be wary. Common expressions about these intuitive messages are: “I had a gut feeling”, “It smelt fishy to me”, “My stomach was churning” and “My heart was racing”

Knowing: There is a strong sense of knowing something for which you have no proof. It seems this  ‘knowing’ has come from nowhere (although there are often more subtle changes that you just hadn’t noticed, but collectively they are summed up as ‘knowing’). Sometimes these messages contradict intellectual thoughts. In these cases, your language may show this confusion with mutterings such as: “It doesn’t make sense, but…” These intuitive messages frequently show up as:

• You feel certain despite logical reasoning: this option strongly ‘feels’ right for you.
• Every logical argument you throw against it doesn’t squash the feeling.
• If you can ‘see’ it your minds eye, this option shines more brightly than any others.
• If you can ‘hear’ it, it keeps clamouring for your attention.

Again, these messages show up for different reasons, but they are often about opportunities. Our language reflects this form of intuition with: “An inkling”, “It feels right”, or “I can’t explain it: I just know”.

Clairaudience: These intuitive messages are heard. They usually come through as a spoken voice, but they can show up as music or other sounds too. We all have voices in our head that represent different aspects ourselves. A few of them are: the worrier, the critic, the pleaser, the vulnerable child and the carer. If you have clairaudient abilities, you can clearly identify your intuitive voice from these other voices, or you can hear messages spoken from the spirit world. Clairaudient messages are usually very personal. Your intuition wants you to ‘hear’ specific words so you can understand the message.

For me, these messages frequently show up in music. For example I get in to the car, switch on the radio and I notice a particular song. Then I quickly hear the same song again, for example at the supermarket, gym or wherever I am going. Then I hear it third time on the same day, when I would not have expected to hear it again (e.g. it’s not in the Top 20 nor a recent song). Then I pay attention. What is this song trying to tell me? Is it the words, the feeling it conveys or does it remind me of an earlier event in my life when I was fond of this song?

Clairvoyance: These intuitive messages are seen in dreams or in visions. They can be personal, or about events that have happened, or about the future. Intuitive dreams are different from normal dreams that are highly symbolic. They are usually so real it’s not unusual to wake up suddenly with a total recall of the dream. If you have clairvoyant abilities, you may also get visions of past or future events. Visions are like dreams but whilst you are awake. Places, people or objects may trigger these visions. Sometimes the first time you are aware of your clairvoyant abilities is a strong sense of déjà vu.

Clairvoyants can often see auras too (the energetic field shown as coloured ‘mist’ around the person, animal, plants or inanimate object). Different colours in the aura indicate what is going on and can be ‘read’ by talented clairvoyants.

Clairsentience: These intuitive messages are felt emotionally either by recognition, or by actually feeling them in your own body. Emotional energy can be sensed from people, places or objects. When it’s from people, it’s most usually about what is going on for them right now—in the present moment. Adept clairsentient people may understand the emotional realm because they are well versed in their own emotional language or, conversely, they are able to relate to emotions in others because they are unable to relate to their own. This is latter case is often due to a traumatic childhood event where they detached themselves and in the process they became expert readers of other people’s emotions, in order to stay safe.

Nearly everyone has some clairsentient abilities. For example when you walk into a room and someone is there, you often will know how they are feeling without asking them. Like when you walk towards your spouse, partner, child or work colleague and you ‘know’ they are frustrated, worried, sad or feeling something else. You instantly know it before they have even said a word. Yes, you may be getting some clues from their body language, but the subtle differences in the emotions are picked up by your intuition. This natural ability is to keep you safe. Reading these emotional messages tells you whether they are a friend to be trusted and helped or whether you need to fight or flee.

How to develop your intuition

Developing your intuition begins with becoming more aware of what your senses are noticing. Your subconscious is picking up vast amounts of information through your senses that your conscious mind doesn’t see, hear, smell, taste or feel. A first step then is to become more aware of what is there already that you are missing. Try this exercise to see how much more you notice when you begin to pay attention.

Take a pen and paper. Ask yourself: “What can I see?” Notice what you are seeing in this moment and write it down. Notice what you are being drawn to. Usually you will find your eyes beginning to focus on one thing. Be curious as to why that is. If anything occurs to you, write this down too. Try stretching your periphery vision too: what can you see that is to the far left and far right of you. Don’t turn your head: instead ‘see’ it.

Now ask yourself: “What can I hear?” Through the jumble of noise, what is the loudest, sharpest and softest? Again, pay attention to the sounds and their frequencies. Why are you being drawn to notice these?

Repeat this exercise asking yourself what you smell, taste (yes, even when you are not eating!) and feeling. For feelings include body sensations as well as your emotions.

Finally, ask yourself, “What do I know?” Let this knowing be of the moment rather than all of the facts and figures you have in your head. Be curious. Try not to edit it nor make sense of it. Just let yourself write down the answer that comes to you.

When you have finished writing, check-in with yourself and ask if there is a pattern or commonality that links some or all of the things that you particularly noticed. Don’t worry if nothing is apparent. Just expanding your consciousness in this way is a beginning. Repeating this exercise from time-to-time improves you ability to notice the subtleties of what is going on around you and will help you become more intuitive.

Another way to encourage your intuition is to expand your listening abilities. In “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” Stephen Covey states: “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand: they listen with the intent to reply”. Try listening to everything someone is saying. Coaches and counselors are trained in a process called active listening, but everyone can become better listeners. If you really listen, you will begin to notice differences in speed, energy, passion and intonation of someone’s voice and it tells you so much more than words alone!

Begin noticing ‘odd’ things. Like when you see, hear or feel the same things in quick succession. See if you can spot a pattern. Take a stab at what it might mean. The best way of doing this is to record it in a journal, and then you have a record that you can check to see if your intuitive interpretation was right. By the way, my view is that your intuitive messages are always correct, BUT your interpretation of the message can be wrong—sometimes way off of the mark! However, the more you flex your intuitive muscles, the better you will become. 

Finally, your intuition is ‘talking’ to you all of the time. But if you keep applying logic to it, ignoring it, or are too wound-up to listen (see or get), then it has a hard time to get-through to you. Relaxing, sitting quietly for a few minutes each day will again help you ‘notice’ the things that you may otherwise miss. Most of all have fun playing with what your intuition is telling you. Remember, it is a tool. It doesn’t replace your intellect, but used wisely your intuition can open all kinds of doors that may have been closed to you before and it will greatly enrich your life.

…and finally

I hope you have enjoyed this article on intuition. As always, I love hearing from you. Let me know your thoughts and if you have an intuitive story—do share it with me!  And of course, if I can help you through coaching or healing I would be delighted to do so. I offer 55-minute trial coaching sessions on the phone. This allows you to see whether coaching is for you and if I am the right coach for you. Please see www.reddandelion.co.uk/life_coaching.php and www.reddandelion.co.uk/business_coaching.php to read more about how I can help you.

Are you stressed out? Or just a little stressed? Or do you shine when others complain they can’t take it any more? Is there really good stress and harmful stress? And if you feel you’re at breaking point, how can you re-balance yourself to feel good again? Today, I’d like to share with you my take on stress and how to best to stay balanced.

What is stress?

Mmm… if stress makes some people crumble and others shine, what is stress? How can it be both a stimulus for shining and a symptom of breaking-down? Trying to define stress is like stepping into a minefield because it means so many different things; but here goes. The original definition for stress related to the physical strength and elasticity of a material: the stress point being when it could no longer take the applied pressure or force and it would break or snap. It was Hans Selye (in 1936) who first used the word ‘stress’ in relation to people. He wanted to show how adverse environmental and negative emotional situations (what he called stress) could cause disease and illness: a radical idea at the time, for then it was believed most diseases were caused by bacterium or viruses. Stress became a new buzzword and it’s meaning evolved to include not only a potential cause of disease, but also how someone was feeling, or how a situation appeared to be, or physical symptoms like experiencing sudden chest pain or shortness of breath. Later people began speaking of good and harmful stress, but again, what one person considered as stressful (harmful), might be stimulating and motivating (good) for another. With so many interpretations of the word is not surprising that it’s exact meaning is so blurred, but I think it’s useful to explore how stress can be both good and harmful.

Can stress be both good and harmful for you?

One of my favourite coaching books, “The 7 Aha!s of Highly Enlightened Souls” with the sub-heading: “How to free yourself from all forms of stress” is written by Mike George. It’s a book you can pick-up and read snippets and feel it’s wisdom wash over you. I’ve read some of the pages a dozen times or more. His chapters begin with an common views on stress followed by his own counter view, like: “Stress is a physical phenomena and rest and relaxation will make it go away”. Absolute nonsense! and “Other people, situations, and events are responsible for your stress”. No they’re not!

Mike George’s view is that stress is the result of fearful thoughts, anxiety and worry – none of which are helpful for leading a healthy, happy and peaceful life. And I agree as stress like this, is non-productive, harmful to your own well-being and can negatively impact on your health.

However, those who argue that some stress is good for you say it is only harmful when you get overloaded, and I tend to agree with this too, although by-and-large far too many people are overloaded all of the time. It appears so commonplace that for most people even the idea of living and working harmoniously seems like a distant dream. The some-stress-is-good-for-you camp also argues that without any stress, arousal or desire, we would be bored and have no inclination to grow. This too resonates with me, for as a coach, I proactively ask my clients to step out of their comfort zone. Change can’t happen if you keep doing what you’ve always been doing: it happens when you do something new. BUT taking someone out of their comfort zone should be done in a nurturing, caring way, not as it is done in so many businesses and organizations where people are stretched to breaking point and asked to do ‘the impossible’ on a regular basis.

I recently came across this diagram (modified from Dr Peter Nixon’s “Human Function Curve”), which shows the effects of good and harmful stress on the body.

When life and work are mostly in your comfort zone, but you are being comfortably stretched, this leads to satisfaction and happiness. When you are over-stretched (Dr Nixon described this as “over the hump”) this leads to exhaustion,  ill-health and feeling distressed. It also can tip people into a fantasy world as to what they think they can achieve, leading them to over-promise and under-deliver which in turn leads to disappointment, frustration and even more stress for everyone involved.

What is comfortable for one person will not be so for another. At this moment in time, where you are on this diagram? Are you in your comfort/stretch zone?

Measuring your own stress levels

Doctors and many therapists use a simple tool to assess the intensity of pain whether it’s physical or emotional. Because pain is subjective, the best person to judge its intensity is you. This easy test can help you assess your own stress levels too. Sit quietly for a moment. Take a few deep breaths. Close your eyes, now ask yourself: “How stressed am I out of 10?  A score of 10 equals distress, panic, overwhelm and feeling like you can’t cope anymore. A score of 1 equals feeling mildly stressed but not unduly concerned, perhaps because it feels like a temporary situation. Where are you on this scale? It’s intuitive. Wait for the answer to come to you. Often this simply ‘pops’ into your mind: you can see the number, or feel it or hear it being ‘spoken’. If, by the way, you scored 9 or 10, please don’t ignore this. Find someone to talk to (a loved one, doctor, therapist or coach) and decide how to begin to dealing with your stress levels.

Not enough time

Feeling like there is not enough time is one of the first symptoms of being stressed-out: quite simply too much to do and not enough time to do it. The whole world appears to be running faster and faster. New technology may be may be marketed as ‘time-saving’, but in reality it simply increases the expectations of what one person can do in a day. Remember the days before email? How many letters did you write in a day versus how many emails you now deal with daily? My Grandmother used say: “Sometimes I sit and think: and sometimes I just sit” When did you last sit—not watching TV, nor doing anything but just to sit? Or in fact give yourself time just to think things through instead of just instantly ‘doing’? It’s like we’re all on a giant hamster wheel and we have to keep running or else everything will collapse. It can be challenging to get off – but there are ways to do so…

Simple ways to reduce stress

Other people may well impact on your stress levels, but your reaction to the pressure and the way you perceive it, are things you can change and take control of. Below are some simple, easy-to-do things that will make a difference.

Meditation. If you are tempted to skip over this suggestion or are rolling your eyeballs at me already—wait! You don’t have to be a Buddhist monk to benefit from meditation! Just 5–10 minutes a day can make a big difference. It can really calm a racing mind and give you clarity. Meditation can be done in many different ways, but the easiest way is to simply sit somewhere quietly—in a chair, on the floor, on your bed—with your back straight—and consciously breathe. Close your eyes. Focus (listen/watch/feel) yourself breathe in and out. Initially, your mind will want to think of a 1001 things other than the breathing. This is normal. Every time you realize your mind has gone AWOL, just gently bring your focus back to breathing in and out. Five minutes at lunchtime, or when you first get back from work, last thing make a huge difference to how you feel.

Lunch breaks. Take one! So many people eat sandwiches at their desk or on the go. Not only does your digestion suffer when you do this, it doesn’t allow you to collect your thoughts either. Choose eat away from your desk, and be conscious of what you are eating, by focusing on each bite. Afterwards can you walk somewhere for 10 minutes? Is there a park, garden or an open space nearby? A ten-minute walk in or near nature will ground you and make you feel more in control.

Caffeine, alcohol and sugar. Caffeine is a stimulant. Alcohol is a depressant and sugar gives you a short burst of energy. Most people use (and abuse) these to cope with stress and yet none of them in the long-term are helpful. Your early morning coffee may feel like it gets you going, but it also can disrupt your sleep, making you feel groggy in the morning, making you feel like you ‘need’ a coffee to get going. This cycle can be tough to break. Alcohol may help you relax and deaden the pain, but in the early morning light of the next day, you may feel even worse. As for sugary snacks they play havoc with your blood sugar levels, often making you feel worse when the effect has worn off. I know most people won’t want to give up any of these delights, BUT if you can reduce your intake of all three, this will help you. See my earlier Tip: Craving Chocolate, Coffee and Chardonnay?

Deadlines. Does your boss dictate them? Do you bow your head to them? Do you set impossible ones for yourself? Look at what you have to do. What is truly urgent? What is important? Too often we get caught up with urgent stuff instead of focusing on what’s important. If your boss is giving you crazy deadlines, don’t assume that he or she is fully aware of what they have asked you to do! More-than-likely your boss is also on the hamster wheel too. Perhaps instead check-in with them what is the most important job that they need doing first. You may get a totally different picture when you ask this simple question.

Learning to say “no”. We are often victims of our own making. Take a look at an earlier Tips article: How to say “No” gracefully.

Me time. It might seem illogical to stop what you’re doing and do something nice for yourself, but this is so beneficial. A relaxed mind is more creative and may give you new solutions too, but most of all having some relaxation / pleasure / fun time restores the soul and gives you new energy to pick-up where you left off with renewed vigour. What will you do? Have a bubble bath with candles and a good book? Take a trip to the cinema? A night out with your friends? Arrange something today!

Sleep. When you are so tired, things seem ten-times worse than they are. For tips and ideas on how to be better rested, please see my earlier Tips: Wide awake – or oh soooo sleepy?

Exercise. Find something that you love to do that matches your personality and body constitution. Not everyone was meant to go the gym!! Walking for 30 minutes a day at a pace that just makes you glow (sweat!) is good for you, as can be gardening or a gentle game of badminton or a swim. If you are fit, consider a hard work-out to physically release your stress from your body. This can be any sport where there is an element of force or speed or both. PLEASE though don’t overdo it – for adding injury to stress is not a good idea!

…and finally

Now you have some ideas on how to change things, what do you want to do? How can I help you to help yourself? Well, if you drop me an email letting me know what you are intending to do, I will write back with some encouraging words. You can smile again and be less stressed! I hope you will be so. And of course, if I can help you through coaching or healing I would be delighted to do so. I offer 55-minute trial coaching sessions on the phone for £35. This allows you to see whether coaching is for you and if I am the right coach for you. Please see www.reddandelion.co.uk/life_coaching.php and www.reddandelion.co.uk/business_coaching.php to read more about how I can help you. Or, if you are totally stressed out, consider taking a personal retreat. See www.thejasminehouse.co.uk

What we believe to be true, actually may not be true. But what we believe, we make our reality. So for this Tip, I’d like to look again at this idea, because if we want to make changes, and if our life is governed by what we believe, then to make changes, our beliefs need to change too. And your beliefs are not as fixed as you think…

How beliefs come into being

Our beliefs are woven together observations of others, teachings and our own experiences in life. As a baby, you have no beliefs. But in the first 5 years of life, like a dry sponge, you soak up what you observe and experience creating your own core beliefs which are carried through the rest of your life, unless of course, you consciously choose to change them. In the formative first 5 years of life, your parents (or guardians) influence your beliefs the most. If they believe people are generally good, kind and trustworthy, then you will probably have this core belief too. If you grew up with parents who worked hard and yet there was never enough money, then you are likely to struggle with money yourself. And so on.

How your beliefs impact on your life

Let me try to give you an example of how this works, using two fictitious people, Tom and Harry, who both wish to be promoted. For this scenario, please imagine that both men have the same skill sets and both could equally do well in the new position.

Tom’s world view (as reinforced by his upbringing) is that there are many opportunities in life to do well, and that he will be promoted, if not now, then sonn-ish. He believes he is a hard worker, that his vision is a good one that will lead to success for both the company and himself. He totally believes he deserves this promotion.

Harry’s world view (also taken-on-board whilst growing up) is that opportunities to rise through the ranks are scarce. He really wants to be promoted, but he believes it will be tough to land this promotion. Like Tom he believes he is a hard worker and that his vision is good, but he is also unsure whether he is good enough yet. He has doubts about winning this promotion.

Remember, both men are equally able, but their beliefs are very different and, as a consequence, in the interview for the job promotion, both men will act according to their beliefs. Tom will hold his head high, shoulders back, smile easily and ooze confidence. Harry will be trying very hard, but will not come across as confident. His shoulders perhaps slightly rounded and protective in readiness of the potential hurt at not being chosen. In a scenario like this, it will Tom is far more likely to be promoted – reinforcing his beliefs. Harry is less likely to be promoted and so it too reinforces his beliefs.

Your beliefs colour how you view the world

Mike Dooley’s CD recordings: “Infinite Possibilities: the Art of Living your Dreams”, uses a sunglasses metaphor to explain how beliefs act as filters enabling us to make sense of our world. It goes something like this. Our beliefs filter our thoughts in a similar way that sunglasses filter out harmful UV rays and also tint what we see according to the shade of the glasses. Our beliefs likewise allow thoughts ‘in’ that we believe are plausible: they dismiss those that are outlandish, or we think don’t apply to us. How we see the world (and ourselves) is then seen according to the tint of our ‘sunglasses’ that we wear. If your sunglasses are tinted blue, your view will be different from a friend’s who wears yellow, green or even rose coloured glasses. What we see then is not necessarily reality, rather it is the view of it as seen through our sunglasses!

On top of this, most of us don’t even realise that we are wearing sunglasses. Now imagine that everyone has their own unique tinted sunglasses. Now you can see (forgive the pun!) that you simply won’t see some of the colours and hues of life as seen by others. We get so used to our ‘view’ we forget that the world may actually look quite different if we wore a different tint (had different beliefs) or were able to see the world without our sunglasses. And, whilst we often struggle to see how we ‘see’ the world (recognise how our beliefs ‘cloud’ our view), we so easily see other people’s tints and how they  view it!

How beliefs get in your way

We have many thousands of beliefs. The vast majority are hidden in the depths of our subconscious. Largely we accept our beliefs which filter our ideas, thoughts and knowledge as the truth, even though we frequently have no proof for them. For example, growing up in a family where the beliefs is: “To earn lots of money, you need to work very hard”, means you are likely to believe this unquestioningly – even though I could show you thousands of people who have and do earn a good income without working particularly hard. However, you are likely to filter this sentence out, because you ‘believe’ this is still not applicable to you, to your life, or to your circumstances! Are you beginning to see how limiting your own beliefs can be?

How to break free from limiting beliefs

If our limiting beliefs are hidden in our subconscious, if we are wearing ‘tinted sunglasses’ that we don’t even know we are wearing, which shape how we see our world, and if our beliefs were laid down in childhood, how on earth are we supposed break free?

Expressed like that, it would be easy to throw your arms up in the air and despair! BUT please don’t! There are ways of breaking free.

Writing down beliefs that nurture and support you is a good thing to do as it will reinforce your positive beliefs. However, trying to play detective or write down for those which may be holding you back, generally doesn’t work: you will simply create negative energy. Instead start noticing what you are saying in conversations, in your own self-talk and how you act/react in certain situations. For example if you are job hunting, you might be saying to your friends: “I can’t find a job that’s right for me” or “I’d love to do that, but it doesn’t pay enough” or “No-one wants to employ someone as old as me” or “You have to have connections/qualifications – and I don’t”.

Notice each of these laments have limiting beliefs around self-worth, value and scarcity. These statements are just observations, judgments, or a view that you are believing to see as true. They are not the truth! Someone else in the very same situation as you could choose the exact opposite. For example “I am going to find a job that is perfect for me“, “I am mature, which means I bring with me years of experience and wisdom“. And, “My University of Life may not be the same as a degree, but it is valid none-the-less“. And so on. People will make their beliefs come true: catching your self-talk is the key to changing your limiting beliefs and so change your outcomes.

A step-by-step approach

When you notice something that you believe is holding you back, try stepping into the middle ground. For example if you think you it’s hard to lose weight, trying to force yourself into a belief that it’s easy to lose weight, will usually backfire. The stretch is simply too big. However, if you begin with the idea: “It might be easy to lose weight” or “I am open to the idea that I can lose weight easily” you are likely to have more success. Can you see how these beliefs are easier to grasp hold of and help you to start moving forward?

Making it realistic in your mind also works. If for example you dream of driving a Ferrari but currently drive a Ford, trying to believe you can make this step in one-fell-swoop would, for most people, be too big. However, if you believed that you soon would be driving a top of the range BMW, then this is what I call a stretch, but do-able. Then, when you own and drive that BMW, the Ferrari will be much easier for you to believe in, therefore you greatly increase your chances of making this dream come true. Although I have given a material example, it works the same if say you wish to meditate for 30 minutes each day. From not meditating at all, to doing this every day, is again a stretch too far. Whereas believing you could do it for 15 minutes 3 days a week is believable to most people. And then when that is established, you increase it.

Getting clear

Most people continue to believe and think in a very similar way all of their lives very largely determined by what you learnt in the very early years of your life. And yet everyone, yes EVERYONE, can change their beliefs and thoughts to create the lives they want to lead. It can be challenging, but even beginning to question why you believe what you do, is an excellent place to start.

…and finally

Often it is easier to have someone work with you on breaking free of limiting beliefs. I help my clients by asking them about their beliefs, I help them let go of limiting beliefs through coaching, EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) or Empathic Healing. If you ‘believe‘ I might be able to help you, I probably can! To check though, book a 55 minute trial telephone coaching session – no obligation, simply a chance to try coaching with me to see if it is right for you. Call me on 01305 821799 or email jennie@reddandelion.co.uk

Unlike Hamlet’s soul searching on whether or not to end his life, my question is quite different. I want to ask you, “What do you want to be?” Happy, prosperous, healthy, peaceful, ecstatic, safe, strong and/or full of fun? Are you choosing to be any of these things? As in making them a priority in your life? Or are you so wrapped up in things that you have to do, that these wonderful states of being are left until you have more time? Put another way, are you choosing ‘not to be‘ these things by default?

Can you choose to be happy (or anything else you want to be)? My belief is that you can and, choosing to be something doesn’t have to be a result of doing stuff, but rather it’s possible to go straight to that being place first. Let me share some of my ideas on this.

The old way…

Most people in developed countries believe that you can have the things you want; but in order to get them, you have to work hard. If you are willing to put in the time, effort and energy, then you will be rewarded with money, recognition or status. From those rewards you can have the things you want to have and then you can ‘be’ the things you want too. This is the DO, HAVE, BE idea that most people (consciously or unconsciously) base their lives on. Simply put this is:

DO – lots of hard work
HAVE – money to buy the things you want
BE – happy.

Let me ask you to do a mini visualisation with me. Imagine for a moment that from masses of hard work (and/or good fortune!) you have all the money you ever need. You have already bought everything you desired, and you have traveled to see many places you dreamed of seeing. See this in your mind’s eye. Feel it. Touch it. Now, with all of this abundance, what would you choose to do today? Would you lie in bed all day? Hopefully not, but if you do because that’s your hearts desire, great! What then of tomorrow? What would you do then? If there are no more things that you want to buy nor things that you have to do, would you at this point choose to focus on things that make you happy, joyful, peaceful or whatever is your heart’s desire? And with all of this abundance, would your choices be mostly things that cost nothing?

Do you remember Mastercard’s “Priceless” TV ads? The ones where each one begins with a list of things with a price attached to it, followed by an intangible experience that can’t be bought? Like laughing with your friends, or spending time with loved ones, enjoying the sunset, or the arrival of your first born. All of these wonderful things are priceless: you can’t buy them. But notice something else too: they don’t cost anything either!

So why is it these wonderful, priceless things that we want most in our lives, that cost nothing, don’t have a priority in our lives? It doesn’t make sense, does it! How you can bring these ‘priceless’ things into your everyday life? By focusing on the things you want ‘to be’ first.

The new way…

The old way was: DO, HAVE, BE. The new way is BE, DO, HAVE. An example of this could be:

BE – happy
DO – things that support your happiness
HAVE – things naturally attracted to you, due to your happiness.

I know for some of you reading this, this idea that can you choose ‘to be’ something, will be challenging. And believing that things can naturally be drawn to you (HAVING) by simply focusing on them, will sound wacky. But please bear with me awhile longer and hopefully, I will convince you to give it a go.

On an average day, do you start by making a To Do list (physically or mentally)? Do these things then consume most of your day? Could you switch to making a To Be list instead? And if you’re willing, how would that work?

Back in 2006, I gave the following examples of my choices:

Today I am going to be: Healthy, Happy and Loved.

What can I do to support this?
• I will arrange a massage for my back
• I will ice and stretch my back on the hour
• I will eat healthy meals
• I will call T & T (my daughters)
• I will contact 10 people I love and care – tell them how much I love having them in my life.

What will I naturally attract into my life?
• I will feel loved by my friends
• A new friend will show up in my life, or an old one will return
• Someone will tell me they love me.

What happened? Well, in the evening my back felt a bit better after all of the love and attention I had given it. At the end of the day I was contacted by a dear friend who told me he loved me. My youngest daughter emailed me and ended it with: “Love you lots”. And a friend who I had contacted earlier, emailed me back to say how special it was having me as a friend too. A magical day! And one I helped create by choosing ‘To Be‘ instead of starting with ‘To Do‘

But come on Jennie, what about in the real world I hear you ask? It’s true on that day, my workload was not high, but I still coached 4 clients (on a ‘full day’ I have 6) and I did all of the things above too. Today is a busier day so a different approach: I have 5 clients, but they are bunched up at the beginning and end of the day. On my To Be list today that I wrote I would “I am going to be efficient”. What could I do to support this? I chose “I will complete my Tips article today” (Usually writing these Tips takes me several days—on-and-off!). And what would I naturally attract from being efficient? More time so I can start my calendar design tomorrow.

I’m guessing that some of you reading this will say, “So what’s the difference between ‘write Tips today’ on your To Be list, when surely that would surely it would have been on your To Do list anyway?” A fair question. The difference is the intention. By saying that I wanted to be efficient first, I have written this article in half the time it normally takes. My focus was on being efficient so I haven’t gone through my normal agonies of ‘will people get this?’. I haven’t done anything else different, but it ‘feels’ very different: much easier. Are you up for a challenge? Starting tomorrow – or today if it’s not too late – will you create your own To Be list?

So, in 2011, does this approach still work? Yes, but almost unknowingly, I have refined it. Now, before I decide what I want To Be, I ask myself, how do I feel? Am I tired? Am I full of beans? Am I feeling happy? Or fed-up, sad or angry? When I know how I’m feeling, the alignment of what I want To Be comes from a grounded place, because trying to be creative (for example working on my websites) when I’m really tired is probably not going to work so well, but if I choose to be effective then I can deal with my admin.

I recognise that because I’m self-employed, I have more options than someone who works for a boss where deadlines are set and you have much less choice, yet even so you will have some choices available to you, and where and when you can, I encourage to give it try, even if in the beginning it’s for your weekends / days off.

Human Beings versus Human Doings

Just another thought for you. We are Human Beings. We need time to just be. Not just because it’s enjoyable to just sit, stay still, and take time out – but because by spending time ‘being’, we will be able to cope much better with all of the ‘doing’ stuff too.

Let me quickly explain. If you are so tied up everyday with ‘doing’, then more than likely you will not see all of the different angles and approaches you could take to relationships, work, health matters and so on. If you’re so busy ‘doing’, the intuitive messages that come your way, will be overlooked and opportunities will be missed. If you are so busy ‘doing’, you’ll miss the delights of the weather, the scenery, and a fleeting smile on someone’s face and so on.

Choose today to spend sometime just being! Perhaps go for a walk at lunch time, or sit with your spouse, partner or kids doing nothing at all for a while. Take 10 minutes out to just breathe or meditate. Take 5 minutes to simply notice the magic and wonders of nature – even if you’re in a city, nature can be seen all around you if you just look more closely. Then share experience of this ‘just being’ with someone else who is so busy ‘doing’.

NOTE: The BE, DO, HAVE model originally came to me via Elyse Hope Killoran’s excellent Teleclass “The Prosperity Partnership”. See www.choosingprosperity.com for more info and her great prosperity game.

…and finally

I hope this Tip given you some new ideas about ‘being’ vs ‘doing’. If you have a friend who may be interested in this topic, please forward this Tip on to them. And, as always, I love to hear your views on my Tips. I offer Life Coaching, EFT, Empathic Healing and Personal Retreats. Please call me on 01305 821799 or email jennie@reddandelion.co.uk to find out more, to have a chat or to book a 55 minute trial telephone coaching session.