What are you really proud of? Your family? Perhaps your job title? The things you have done to get to where you are today? How you achieved a personal goal? Your home or car? Most people feel proud about something – that’s for sure – and feel good about it too, but there is a flip side to pride and today I would like to explore this with you.

From early childhood we love to hear our mother’s praise as she encourages us to crawl, then walk, talk and all of our milestones as we grow-up. We notice the delight she takes when we learn what she (hopefully) patiently teaches us to do. And wanting to please our mother and later teachers, partners, spouses and even our bosses is natural and healthy. Feeling pleased by being praised for our good deeds and our achievements is frequently described as feeling proud, and yet I wish to distinguish this from the pride that comes from when you begin to see yourself as better than other people. It is far subtler than you may realize to slide into puffed-up pride and superiority.

Proud as a peacock?

We all know at least one person who is so proud of themselves that they strut their stuff like a peacock displaying its beautiful tail. They want us to admire them and whether they are celebrities or (so-called) friends, we often do. They boast. They tell or show us how wonderful, beautiful, talented and amazing they are. Most of us are mesmerized: just look how much attention and money we lavish on our celebrities. If it’s someone we know personally and we get the chance to share a story with them, they often cut in, telling us that they have done something similar that is even bigger, better, and more impressive. In all of this, we forget they are just a human being as we are. They are just someone who has become so proud that they consider themselves better than us. And yes, they may look more beautiful, be able to kick a football better than we can, or sing in a way that touches us, but inside they are truly no different from you and I.

You’re not proud like that—are you? Probably not in the extreme I’ve just described, but the instant you deny it, I guarantee there is false pride not wanting to be seen! What about me? Yes, I’m proud of what I have done, what I do, and who I think I am. However, if I take a closer look at this, I see in some situations I feel I am better than others, superior even, all justified by what I feel I have done, and this brings up a sense of shame. For I am not any better than anyone else. I have been blessed with good health, an education and a comfortable lifestyle. Yet a different throw of life’s dice could easily have lead to a very different life. Being proud of what largely has been given to me, believing that I deserve things, doesn’t serve me well, and I would like to ask you whether being proud, in this way, is serving you too.

Humiliation

At some point in your life, you will have been humiliated. It’s a horrible experience: you will remember it as feeling vulnerable, unworthy, of perhaps blushing, stammering and wanting the ground to swallow you up. Sometimes the act of humiliation, even though painful, will have helped you come back down to earth – albeit with a bump. Or maybe the humiliation was completely unwarranted and then more than likely you will have felt anger at being treated so unkindly and perhaps thoughts of revenge filled your mind. In either case, there is no pride, nothing to feel proud about in humiliation.

And whilst we remember more vividly the acts of humiliation against us, we have all humiliated someone too. Perhaps not intentionally, but none-the-less we have. We have ignored someone who needed us. We have said hurtful things to a person when really we were angry with ourselves not them. We have all been judgmental and we have all been unkind at times too.

The grace of humility

The word ‘humble’ in my dictionary is described as: “having or showing a low estimate of one’s own importance” Yet in spiritual terms, the grace of humility is the counter-balance of pride. In “Entering the Castle: The Inner Path to God and Your Soul” by Caroline Myss she writes: Humility allows you to recognize and acknowledge all of the positive qualities of body, mind, and spirit in another person. Humility disarms the competitive voice that whispers to you, ”There is not enough. What about you? You must be first. You need more. You deserve the reward, attention, the status and the money far more than the other person do.” She goes on to say: True humility is releasing the need to have to win, to have the last word, to have to always have your insecurities reinforced with endless support. Humility is the ability to help someone who has injured you, to say sorry, to not wait for years for the other person to apologize before you speak to him.

In this way, I see that humility is not a weakness, but rather a great strength for it takes courage to let go of the ego’s fearful desire to be important in front of others. I appreciate that for many of you reading this, the very idea of being humble will not be appealing to you. But for those of you who are curious as to how you step into becoming more humble, let me give you a few pointers.

How to let go of pride and become more humble

As with all changes, it begins with becoming really aware of what is going on in your life now, and choosing what it is you want to change, do or become. This may seem obvious, but as a coach I am very aware how ambiguous and vague most people are about what is truly not working for them and what they really want from life. Without clarity, it’s almost impossible to make long-lasting changes.

Begin then by being truly honest with yourself. Grab a pen and paper (or your journal) and give yourself permission to have the time to do the following exercises.

Exercise 1. Begin by listing 5 things / areas where your pride might be ‘puffed-up’.
o Things in your life you feel you deserve to have. Consider your job title, money, your house and belongings.
o Areas in which you feel you are more worthy than others. Look at what you have worked hard to get, strived for, or have learnt.
o Where do you feel better than others – superior? Consider colleagues, neighbours, family members, poor people, people of different races, cultures, and political or religious beliefs.

When you have done this, notice how you feel by identifying them? Now imagine how you would feel if all of these things you feel ‘proud-of’ were taken away from you? If you think this is highly unlikely, please consider the fate of millions in Pakistan who probably had the same thought that you’re now having.

Exercise 2. List 5 humiliations. Who humiliated you? Even if it was years ago – you can usually bring it back to your mind. Write how they made you feel at the time – and, most importantly, how this has impacted on your life. Let me give you a quick example of one of mine. At secondary school, a music teacher was once so exasperated by my inability read music and play an instrument at the same time, that he rubbed both of my ears and yelled at me, “read the music!” Thereafter the fear of looking foolish made me avoid all opportunities of learning to play a musical instrument. I know it’s daft – but I am sure you have had similar experiences that have also lead you not do something including things you may have enjoyed.

Exercise 3. Now write about 5 occasions where you have humiliated someone else. Write down why it happened. Remember be truthful. “I was stressed” is a cop-out answer. Go deeper. When you have done so, notice again how you feel about your own unkindness to others.

Exercise 4. This last exercise is more challenging. Looking over what you have written so far. Could you be (more) humble in your life? Does being humble mean giving up all the things you strive for? Or just change the way you do things? Do you think that humbleness is a weakness? Could humbleness actually be a strength that would help you move forward in life without the burden of pride? Who is a humble yet powerful person who could become a role model for you?

Shadow work

Doing work like these exercises is often referred to as ‘shadow work’. The concept is that we all have positive and negative energy within us. Light and dark. Good and bad. Love and fear. Flow and stagnation and so on. The Chinese express this dualism as Ying and Yang. The symbol for which beautifully demonstrates how different energies combine to become partners, for you cannot slice through this symbol and have all light or all dark. We have positive, wonderful traits. We also have negative, fearful ones. Without a counter-balance, how would you recognize and appreciate the light positive energy within you with nothing to compare it to? BUT too often we pretend we just have the light: not the dark. Generally people just want to stuff their fearful thoughts and emotions inside and not even acknowledge that they have them. Yet, this stops us from growing, reaching our full potential and embracing who we truly are. So whilst doing the above exercises, could well be painful, it is also how you understand yourself and others more completely.

Having now identified a few areas where pride is a barrier to knowing yourself more fully or being the best you can be, what would you like to change? Decide only on one or two things. Although you may have identified many different areas that are not to your liking, trying to do too many changes all at once usually results in overwhelm, frustration and paralysis. Change takes time. Lovingly allow yourself to shift subtly from one way of being to another. Then, when you feel at ease with your new way, it’s time to tackle the next area. As they say, “Rome wasn’t built in a day!”

If you are interested in more shadow work, I strongly recommend, “Entering the Castle” by Carolyn Myss or to work with a life coach at a spiritual level.

…and finally

As always, I love to hear your views and ideas on Tips. If you would like some help to deal with pride, or any other struggles in your life or business, then please call me on 01305 821799 or email jennie@reddandelion.co.uk to have a chat or to book a 55 minute trial telephone coaching session with me.